Quantum Paraphysics and Quantum Parapsychology

The Difficult to Follow
and Meaningless Adventures of
Detective Brock N. Hymen

Detective Hymen #001
Chapter 1
"Eat me, Drink me."

For really quite a long time, the universe had slept. Pretty well, too; not a toss or turn. Enter modern science. The universe twitches at the sensation of particle accelerators smashing atoms into each other in areas of itself not at all designated for such atomic misbehavior. And so the universe stirs, and that means trouble for people who prefer their day proceed in a logical, if not orderly, way. Yes, sir, quantum physics is a cesspit of trouble, but to every problem, if not more than every problem, a solution. Finding the solution that matches the problem is a bit like working a puzzle or the street in fetish gear... I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought. Oh yes, enter Quantum Paraphysics and Quantum Parapsychology. I have doctorates in both.

I've always believed it is possible to understand and predict the illogical, and through study and thorough experimentation with LSD... (keep it on the track... keep it on the track!!!) myself and a team of allegedly imaginary colleagues pioneered the mathematics and technology used to accurately estimate the actions of illogical events in space and time. What it boils down to is this: there's fresh toast in the toaster and I've been out of bread for a week. How did that happen? Was the Large Hadron Collider to blame? Had the toaster become a magician? Am I out of jelly? Who am I and what is that blasted noise?!

I've been running the equations all morning and nothing makes sense. It's just as I'd suspected. Heavy irregularity. And in my own kitchen! And I could swear that I didn't have any jelly, but the toast in my hands tells me I did. Mmmmm. So good.

Are others experiencing such disorderly disturbances?

The phone is ringing...

"Hymen Paradetective Agency," I answered, "What can I do for you?"

"Hymen, this is the mayor!" he sounded as if his mouth was full, "I am eating the best cake I have ever had."

"Ok... And you wanted to share?"

"Look, I walked into my kitchen, smelled something delicious, looked in my oven and found a cake. And when I took it out, I discovered that it was bigger than my oven! And iced! It's the best cake I've ever had! Something is very wrong here! Just tell me I haven't gone insane! Tell me you can figure this out for me!" He sounded both ecstatic and delirious.

"I'm having a similar problem. I can't tell if this is jelly or jam, and I'm not sure what flavor, but it's fantastic. I suspected elves, but considering your cake, I don't think so. They don't do, uh, you know... big." I'm reminded of cookies...

"Fine. Whatever. Just call me when you figure it out. I've got to send for a team of paramedics in case my heart fails. I can't stop eating this cake..."

Click.

Well, time to get to work. I should probably head to his place. The effect must be stronger there.

End of Chapter 1


This is going to be just terrible.